I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
