Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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