Banned from zoo.
Again?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
