Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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