if i can run in heels then i can drive
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You are a booty call, not a friend.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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