Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
