he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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