wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
