i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
