Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
