did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
