I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
