Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
