those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Randomize
