They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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