She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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