I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
