i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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