The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I want to fling myself into the sun
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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