OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
