Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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