he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
