my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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