Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
