I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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