He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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