The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
