I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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