Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
