Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
the night ended with taco bell and tears
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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