I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
