If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
