Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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