You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
