the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
