I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
we're so committed to being not committed
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
