Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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