True but thats because hes a fetus.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
