it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
