This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
