i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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