1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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