it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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