You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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