Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
