Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
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