I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
