this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
