one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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