I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
